Greatest betrayal in gaming history? Samus is a woman ...?

Why no blog entries?

Quiet. No, really don't say anything. I got no excuses. If you said something I would just have to eat it.

Plees for forgiveness?

JPL, I would like to apologize. HOW I'VE WRONGED YOU! My constant accusations. How this stream of libel must have scarred your heart. Will you ever be able to recover? I will set everyone straight, man; JPL DOES NOT LIKE GREY'S ANATOMY's Sandra Oh but instead prefers the company of men.

You saw that coming, man. Should I fear retaliation? Is that inhaling I hear? Imminent poison blow dart?

No, honestly I wish to apologize ... on behalf of the country of Korea, for bringing Dragon Wars to the United States. HOLY CRAP, this movie sucked so much! Was it a plan maybe? Release a movie so bad it might incapacitate America for the k-invasion? Befuddle us with its massive plot inconsistency and paralyze us with worst dialog ever. Remember those monkeys that I said wrote Sci-fi Originals? The dude who wrote this made those monkeys look like the good damn poet laureate. Those monkeys are churning out sequel to Citizen Kane right now, and not like sequel Karate Kid II to Karate Kid, I mean sequel like Aliens to Alien.

I WILL KILL YOU RIGHT NOW VON DOOMLIFF!

Movies?

Well other than the AWFUL Dragon Wars, I also saw Resident Evil: Extinction. I don't know if because after seeing Dragon Wars I could have watched Batman and Robin and called it a passable flick, but it wasn't that bad. It wasn't as god awful as the second movie, but definitely not the first movie.

My problems with the movie? Zombies in the desert PLEASE! Unless they are all like hanging out in a Jergen's factory for dudes to pass by, I really don't think its plausible. Then what's up with Milla's psionic powers? Do I get extra nerd points for referring them as psionic instead of psychic?

Anime?

Ookiku Furikabutte: Man, really like if Japan has as many of these pansy cry baby dude's as anime portrays them to have? I finally understand the need for the numerous amount roving thugs.

Claymore: FINAL EPISODE TONIGHT!!

Kenichi 49: Dude, hilarious. That woman cheered for an impression of herself.

Anything Else?

JPL is obsessed with poison.

"Judd Nelson you never fail to disappoint me."

Blog Title?

A complete lie. Judd Nelson has failed me plenty. But not too long ago I caught him on the Sci-fi Original: Black Hole. Why ...WHHHY?! Not, even you Suddenly Susan's Judd Nelson should desecrate yourself by going onto a Sci-fi Original. You inspired a whole generation to wear tattered denim.

Ah, I talk bad about the Sci-fi Originals but I will admit that I am like the first guy to sit down and turn on "Eighth Plague of the Undead Space Locust: The Final Showdown" starring Steven Baldwin as Space Yeti. But I recognize that they don't use like writers or even bad writers, not even bad human writers. They probably uses some kind of room of monkeys with typewriter method to crank these out once week, and these monkeys are the down trodden hacks of monkey writers. Let me now insert a comic that only me and JPL will fine only mildly humorous:

REALLY, Death Proof was such a pile of crap!! Like 3 people know about this blog, I don't even know if all 3 of those people read it, but that dude out there who like sleeps with like a straw mock-up of Tarantino at night is going to instantly find this entry and start with his, "You just don't understand the genius of Tarantino."

Mockingdale: "What? I loved Pulp Fiction man. Kill Bill 1."
Massive Internet Queer: "No, no. You just watched them, but you really didn't see them."
Mockingdale: "What does that even mean? Who the hell are you?"
Massive Internet Queer: "Tarantino's dialog is so intellectual and real; obviously your plebeian brain can't handle it."
Mockingdale: "Seriously ... ? Do you have ears?"
Massive Internet Queer: "I can't expect you to understand the subtly."
Mysterious Voice of Reason: "Give it up Nigel... He is right Death Proof, watching it could be considered a sin."
Nigel (a.k.a. Queer Guy): "No, no. Not you too Neal. It was brilliant, his best film since Jackie Brown. The dialog, it was like how real people talk, like you and me."
Neal: "No Nigel, its not. I personally like to breath while I talk, and we are breaking up. Mostly because you like America Psycho and partially because our names start with the same letter."

But maybe these ridiculous fictional people don't have to come to pass my blog because such a Tarantino fan already reads it. He is probably on his favorite message board talking trash already under his forum handle: sandra-oh-face20805. You know who you are.

Anything Else?

That was a huge fictional conversation. What was I thinking?

↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A Start

Tuesday is now:

Many of you may wonder why Tuesday with DOOMLIFF comes on a Thursday, this is because DOOMLIFF cares not for your Julian calendar, Tuesday is when DOOMLIFF says it is. All who protest will weep their lamentations in the oubliettes of DOOMLIFF. Either that or DOOMLIFF was busy at work and just didn’t get a chance to finish it until now. KNEEL BEFORE DOOMLIFF.

Correction:

DOOMLIFF’S people say JPL does not have a “Tiger Beat” poster of McDreamy from Grey’s Anatomy, instead he has a “Teen Bop” poster of McDreamy, his “Tiger Beat” poster is of Home Improvement’s Jonathan Taylor Thomas. DOOMLIFF assures the reading public this will not happen again, with an oath sworn upon the broken spirits of his advisors.

Contra:

DOOMLIFF was talking to Mockingdale today about Battletoads, and Mockingdale’s strident belief that DOOMLIFF lies about beating it. DOOMLIFF is no liar, but that is a discussion for another time. DOOMLIFF, while reminiscing about Battletoads DOOMLIFF stumbled across an article of the “10 toughest games to beat”. Battletaods was #8 on the list, but what was #1 blew my mind. Contra. Mother fucking Contra. The article says “Contra is virtually impossible to beat without entering the Konami code -- and even then, there's a good chance Mad Dog and Scorpion won't make it to their showdown with Red Falcon.” What. The. Fuck. Contra was the game young DOOMLIFF and friends would grab when they wanted to beat something quickly. If you couldn’t beat Contra with 30+ lives you don’t deserve to be reading this, DOOMLIFF commands you to leave this page and never return. Seriously Contra is one of the easiest to beat games of all times, I do not know a single person who has played it and not beaten it. DOOMLIFF fired up a copy upon returning to the Doomcave, and was not impressed with its difficulty, DOOMLIFF weeps for all who found it the #1 hardest game to beat of all time. DOOMLIFF has a theory that perhaps the younger gamer generation are all pussies who can only bunny hop around in FPS games and are unable to play an old school scroller, either that or the authors of the article are mentally handicapped to such a degree that DOOMLIFF demands they be locked up for being a danger to both themselves and others.

The week that was:

DOOMLIFF’S assault on the written word continues, the A has begun to fall before him, and the B will soon follow. It is only a matter of time before all of the alphabet will kneel before the might and glory of DOOMLIFF. DOOMLIFF went to El Chapala last night and got some mole which was, as always, excellent. Why more Mexican restaurants can not manage to make a serviceable mole DOOMLIFF does not understand, but when he takes over the world, he will make Chapala’s cooks ministers in charge of good fucking mole, spreading its awesomeness throughout the land.

Closeing Statment:

Return next week when DOOMLIFF discusses more things that will entertain and fascinate you, unless you can’t beat Contra, because seriously, if you can’t beat Contra you are dead to DOOMLIFF.

Dojo Casino it's all in the mind.

Mockingdale, Mockingdale, Mockingdale. What did you hope to accomplish with your spurious list of DOOMLIFF's "favorite" movies? Perhaps you thought it would incite DOOMLIFF into a rage of epicly humorous proportions? It matters not, DOOMLIFF will take the high road, mentioning just this one fact; Mockingdale saw Armageddon in the theater five times. Five. Times. Armageddon five times. Let that sink in. In DOOMLIFF's country that would be considered a crime against humanity, DOOMLIFF cannot postulate how such an act is even possible, the number one theory is that Mockingdale is enraptured by Affleck and his mastery of the animal cracker, either that or he is gay for Billy Bob Thornton.

What did DOOMLIFF do last week? DOOMLIFF continues his assault upon mastery of penmanship. The L and C have joined the Q in falling prostrate befor the pen of DOOMLIFF. This week DOOMLIFF also tried the casaba melon, it is declared good, people rejoice. It has a taste like that of a slightly sweet cucumber, with out a strong melon taste, good for a light snack. Doomliffs Sim City DS metropolis continues to be a utopia, outshining all other cities.

What about DOOMLIFF's favorite movies? Do you dare question or rush DOOMLIFF? DO YOU? The favorite movies list will come later, when DOOMLIFF feels you are ready to behold it in its full glory and splendor.

Does JPL really watch Grey's Anatomy? If so, when did he grow a vagina? DOOMLIFF imagines JPL has a McDreamy poster cut out of Tiger Beat on his wall.

DOOMLIFF is done now, return next week for more enlightenment at the altar of DOOMLIFF.

"It's not the spiciness its the amount!!!"

Sir I Apologize?

I'm not going to pussy-foot around it, ever since what I will refer to as the "Wawa Sandwich Incident", I have thought of JPL as lesser man. According to him he rushed out to Wawa grab a quick sandwich before Grey's Anatomy came on, and when he got back home and started eating it he claims there was an inhuman amount of horseradish on his sub; as if the roast beef were actually the condiment. This made him scream out like woman and spoiled his viewing of the dramatic lives of the dysfunctional doctors he loves so much. HOW DARE THEY ruin the most magical hour of his week or maybe his inability to handle it like a man is what actually ruined it?

Well I no longer look down on JPL because this weekend I got BIOSHOCK for my newly acquired 360 ... which I got boned on ... [fast talking] no HMDI port you Circuit City bastards! [/fast talking]. HOLD UP, did I just use html tag emote? NOOoooooo. What ...you forgive me? Sweet.

Yes, yes, BIOSHOCK ... it scared me. I don't want to put it back in the machine. Its changed me; parts of me are never going to be "alright". Will I ever learn to love again? I think one reason I'm scared is because I suck at the game. Me running away from crap in the game, is about as affective as me running away from stuff in real life. Mockingdale run? PLEASE, I once promised to God I would never walk again, anything faster than that is definitely right out.

The other reason I'm scared is because the game is fucking scary. This game has a tremendous amount of just creepy voice acting: screams, whispers, moans, whimpers, cackling, the revurbed-tinny-static-ridden-hilter-esque-30's-radio-show voice of big brother, and let us not forget the creepiest voice of all, little girl.

Dude, why are all these games so dark, its like the darkest game since Castlevania: Circle of the Moon. Can like deranged, mutated, psychotic people not stand to be well lit? Maybe its the other way, you know? "Ohh man, this fluorescent bulb is getting dim and flickering, I best get home and get my pipe and ... my lust for killing ..."



Games?

Well, I got both the games I said was going to get; Blue Dragon and BIOSHOCK. I also happened to get Picross or as it should be called ... Pi-awesome ... but not Pi the number, but not Pee like the urine. Awesome-cross, yes it shall be called Awesome-cross. I think it might deserve an entry all its own because of its awesomeness ... not because I'm tired of writing.

Anything Else?

Definitely not.