Greatest betrayal in gaming history? Samus is a woman ...?

Why no blog entries?

Quiet. No, really don't say anything. I got no excuses. If you said something I would just have to eat it.

Plees for forgiveness?

JPL, I would like to apologize. HOW I'VE WRONGED YOU! My constant accusations. How this stream of libel must have scarred your heart. Will you ever be able to recover? I will set everyone straight, man; JPL DOES NOT LIKE GREY'S ANATOMY's Sandra Oh but instead prefers the company of men.

You saw that coming, man. Should I fear retaliation? Is that inhaling I hear? Imminent poison blow dart?

No, honestly I wish to apologize ... on behalf of the country of Korea, for bringing Dragon Wars to the United States. HOLY CRAP, this movie sucked so much! Was it a plan maybe? Release a movie so bad it might incapacitate America for the k-invasion? Befuddle us with its massive plot inconsistency and paralyze us with worst dialog ever. Remember those monkeys that I said wrote Sci-fi Originals? The dude who wrote this made those monkeys look like the good damn poet laureate. Those monkeys are churning out sequel to Citizen Kane right now, and not like sequel Karate Kid II to Karate Kid, I mean sequel like Aliens to Alien.

I WILL KILL YOU RIGHT NOW VON DOOMLIFF!

Movies?

Well other than the AWFUL Dragon Wars, I also saw Resident Evil: Extinction. I don't know if because after seeing Dragon Wars I could have watched Batman and Robin and called it a passable flick, but it wasn't that bad. It wasn't as god awful as the second movie, but definitely not the first movie.

My problems with the movie? Zombies in the desert PLEASE! Unless they are all like hanging out in a Jergen's factory for dudes to pass by, I really don't think its plausible. Then what's up with Milla's psionic powers? Do I get extra nerd points for referring them as psionic instead of psychic?

Anime?

Ookiku Furikabutte: Man, really like if Japan has as many of these pansy cry baby dude's as anime portrays them to have? I finally understand the need for the numerous amount roving thugs.

Claymore: FINAL EPISODE TONIGHT!!

Kenichi 49: Dude, hilarious. That woman cheered for an impression of herself.

Anything Else?

JPL is obsessed with poison.

Can't use the word napkin

Where have you been:

Doomliff answers to no one, luckily for you DOOMLIFF feels magnanimous today. DOOMLIFF has been busy rearranging the DOOMcave, working on penmanship, and preparing to play the DOOMsister-in-law at tennis. Not that DOOMLIFFS absence matters anyway, DOOMLIFF knows that Mockingdale is right now in line to see Resident Evil: Extinction for what will surly be the fifth or sixth time.

Wu Tang Clan:

Ain't nothin to fuck with.

Done already:

DOOMLIFF goes to play tennis. Another update will come later.

"In what universe is this a dolphin?"

What. Is. Up. Mockingdale?

Nothing much. Same old stuff. Hm, I did meet up on Sunday with my family and friends (VON DOOMLIFF, Frau SHE-LIFF, Groggy, and ummm... Lynne and Andy Lo. I don't know why don't refer to the other people by there birth names? They do have them. ) Anyways we celebrated the birth of a great man ... [quickly] me [/quickly].

I won't really go into because there isn't much to say, most of you were there, and for those of you who weren't there's only thing you need to know is I got a huge television ... ...yes, very large.

Movie?

Man, I know. Why haven't I seen Dragon Wars yet!? I'm I not half-korean? I will see this weekend for sure.

I did go see 3:10 to Yuma. Really how bad was America Pyscho? Why do I keep linking to Wikipedia? Anyways, really like Christian Bale; dude must went to like Juilliard for 8 years to get his masters in "looking defeated" with a minor in "bad gravelly voice". Ah, Russell Crowe ... you smug bitch.

TV?

I haven't seen that much, but I guarantee you everything that I see from now on is going to be friggin' gigantic.

Games?

WoW. Playing again. Why? WHY???? Always with these people talking, the whole game might be better if no one but me played it.

Bioshock. I've gotten over the scared, but not over sucking.

Table Tennis. I must release Black Mark.

Picross. Dude, why do I play this game so much? It might be the most repetitive game ever. Dude, I don't think I have anything funny to say about Picross or at all, but this did remind me of this time my sister showed me a game and told me, "Its like Frogger but ... more primitive." AN AMAZING DESCRIPTION and after playing it accurate, too.

Anime?

Um, later. Getting sleepy.

Anything Else?

I'm already asleep.

"Judd Nelson you never fail to disappoint me."

Blog Title?

A complete lie. Judd Nelson has failed me plenty. But not too long ago I caught him on the Sci-fi Original: Black Hole. Why ...WHHHY?! Not, even you Suddenly Susan's Judd Nelson should desecrate yourself by going onto a Sci-fi Original. You inspired a whole generation to wear tattered denim.

Ah, I talk bad about the Sci-fi Originals but I will admit that I am like the first guy to sit down and turn on "Eighth Plague of the Undead Space Locust: The Final Showdown" starring Steven Baldwin as Space Yeti. But I recognize that they don't use like writers or even bad writers, not even bad human writers. They probably uses some kind of room of monkeys with typewriter method to crank these out once week, and these monkeys are the down trodden hacks of monkey writers. Let me now insert a comic that only me and JPL will fine only mildly humorous:

REALLY, Death Proof was such a pile of crap!! Like 3 people know about this blog, I don't even know if all 3 of those people read it, but that dude out there who like sleeps with like a straw mock-up of Tarantino at night is going to instantly find this entry and start with his, "You just don't understand the genius of Tarantino."

Mockingdale: "What? I loved Pulp Fiction man. Kill Bill 1."
Massive Internet Queer: "No, no. You just watched them, but you really didn't see them."
Mockingdale: "What does that even mean? Who the hell are you?"
Massive Internet Queer: "Tarantino's dialog is so intellectual and real; obviously your plebeian brain can't handle it."
Mockingdale: "Seriously ... ? Do you have ears?"
Massive Internet Queer: "I can't expect you to understand the subtly."
Mysterious Voice of Reason: "Give it up Nigel... He is right Death Proof, watching it could be considered a sin."
Nigel (a.k.a. Queer Guy): "No, no. Not you too Neal. It was brilliant, his best film since Jackie Brown. The dialog, it was like how real people talk, like you and me."
Neal: "No Nigel, its not. I personally like to breath while I talk, and we are breaking up. Mostly because you like America Psycho and partially because our names start with the same letter."

But maybe these ridiculous fictional people don't have to come to pass my blog because such a Tarantino fan already reads it. He is probably on his favorite message board talking trash already under his forum handle: sandra-oh-face20805. You know who you are.

Anything Else?

That was a huge fictional conversation. What was I thinking?

↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A Start

Tuesday is now:

Many of you may wonder why Tuesday with DOOMLIFF comes on a Thursday, this is because DOOMLIFF cares not for your Julian calendar, Tuesday is when DOOMLIFF says it is. All who protest will weep their lamentations in the oubliettes of DOOMLIFF. Either that or DOOMLIFF was busy at work and just didn’t get a chance to finish it until now. KNEEL BEFORE DOOMLIFF.

Correction:

DOOMLIFF’S people say JPL does not have a “Tiger Beat” poster of McDreamy from Grey’s Anatomy, instead he has a “Teen Bop” poster of McDreamy, his “Tiger Beat” poster is of Home Improvement’s Jonathan Taylor Thomas. DOOMLIFF assures the reading public this will not happen again, with an oath sworn upon the broken spirits of his advisors.

Contra:

DOOMLIFF was talking to Mockingdale today about Battletoads, and Mockingdale’s strident belief that DOOMLIFF lies about beating it. DOOMLIFF is no liar, but that is a discussion for another time. DOOMLIFF, while reminiscing about Battletoads DOOMLIFF stumbled across an article of the “10 toughest games to beat”. Battletaods was #8 on the list, but what was #1 blew my mind. Contra. Mother fucking Contra. The article says “Contra is virtually impossible to beat without entering the Konami code -- and even then, there's a good chance Mad Dog and Scorpion won't make it to their showdown with Red Falcon.” What. The. Fuck. Contra was the game young DOOMLIFF and friends would grab when they wanted to beat something quickly. If you couldn’t beat Contra with 30+ lives you don’t deserve to be reading this, DOOMLIFF commands you to leave this page and never return. Seriously Contra is one of the easiest to beat games of all times, I do not know a single person who has played it and not beaten it. DOOMLIFF fired up a copy upon returning to the Doomcave, and was not impressed with its difficulty, DOOMLIFF weeps for all who found it the #1 hardest game to beat of all time. DOOMLIFF has a theory that perhaps the younger gamer generation are all pussies who can only bunny hop around in FPS games and are unable to play an old school scroller, either that or the authors of the article are mentally handicapped to such a degree that DOOMLIFF demands they be locked up for being a danger to both themselves and others.

The week that was:

DOOMLIFF’S assault on the written word continues, the A has begun to fall before him, and the B will soon follow. It is only a matter of time before all of the alphabet will kneel before the might and glory of DOOMLIFF. DOOMLIFF went to El Chapala last night and got some mole which was, as always, excellent. Why more Mexican restaurants can not manage to make a serviceable mole DOOMLIFF does not understand, but when he takes over the world, he will make Chapala’s cooks ministers in charge of good fucking mole, spreading its awesomeness throughout the land.

Closeing Statment:

Return next week when DOOMLIFF discusses more things that will entertain and fascinate you, unless you can’t beat Contra, because seriously, if you can’t beat Contra you are dead to DOOMLIFF.

"Dude, what's up with that cut? I don't know man, maybe it was your razor wit? ow!"

WHAT?

I was talking to Catrine I think and I was saying something and she said, "You think you're funny don't you?" or something alone those lines. The answer is "Hell yeah!" Chew on that as you read my incredibly sparse blog entry.

Games?

Started playing WoW again yesterday. Oh, merciful crap! Think I'm going back on vacation tomorrow.

I booted up my 360 like 80 times over the weekend, only to power it down like seconds later. Every time I thought of what a commitment it would be to play Blue Dragon, urge to play ... lost.

Played Risk Friday night with Steve, Steve's sister, and drunk Mr. Judy. Holy crap, did I complain previously about the people I was played with not wanting blood? THERE WAS NO MERCY THIS TIME. It was a f'ing blood bath and the number one victim was me. The beating was so fierce that I think heat of battle melted my tiny plastic figurine soldiers' faces in poses of anguish, as was my own.

Anything Else?

I barely have the will to live, let a lone write entries. Is this the end of the blog? Honestly, it lasted longer than I thought.

"What year is it?! No, seriously what year is it?"

Realization?

Where the hell did Thursday go? Also, yesterday I also had no idea what age I was going to turn this year, until I did the math.

Games?

WoW was getting to be quite the hassle so I decided to take a week off and just rest and enjoy my 360. But I was unaware that sometime in the last 3 years that the earth's rotation had slowed and days were now 34 hours long. I HAVE SO MUCH TIME I HAVE NO FRIGGIN' CLUE WHAT TO DO WITH IT. Definitely trying to keep myself occupied, but its tough. I guess it wouldn't be tough if I tried and do stuff to maybe better myself as a human being, but lets be honest here ... I'm only going to do stuff that I can do from the same position that I played WoW in.

Well, what have I done mostly; play my 360. Not BIOSHOCK! I'm not yet ready, TOO SOON.

I was muscled into getting HD Super Puzzle Fighter on XBox Live Arcade by JPM. But no regrets, this game is hours and hours of enjoyment. Plus playing and talking to JPM was definitely good times, like the days of the "tally". But this game did confirm two things I had heard about the 360:

1. The controller D-pad is powerful vacuumous suck. Left is right, up is down, and apparently just tapping one block over is "you've lost the match".

2. Xbox Live should never be listen to, unless you enjoy the word "fag" and all its variants, maybe even new inventive ways you've never heard it said or used before.

Also, playing more: Blue Dragon. Its like the whole reason I got a 360, and have to say ... I don't know if it was worth it. Its definitely some old school RPG action, but I think I have become accustom to some of the newer features in RPGs like not waiting 50 hours between save points.

I'm still going to keep playing it; I'm only about 9 hours into it so its hardly started. RPGs definitely take time to snowball into something epic, and worth the pay off. Just right now I'm in that phase, where you are gathering allies and saving villages. What the hell would these villages do if there weren't lost child adventurers, fleeing rebellion groups, or a personal favorite; badass with amnesia. There would just be a lot more dead people; their plagues, monsters up in the hill and slash or marshes, or creepy carnival with insanely hard electrical puppet boss would wipe them out.

VON DOOMLIFF Retort?

I TOLD YOU NOT TO BELIEVE ANYTHING ANYONE SAID ABOUT ARMAGADEON!! You just don't understand forces were working against me. I do not love Affleck, I HAVE NO LOVE FOR AFFLECK. I do like animal crackers; it may just be because of the carnival box.

I do find it hilarious that you are improving your handwriting one letter at a time. Your previous writings were completely illegible. Now that you have mastered a few letters, instead of being unable to read it, its more like a complex game of hangman.

Anything Else?

There is this part in Blue Dragon where they just bust out in dance; it was incredible unsettling to me for some reason. Also unsettling is this boss music; it has words and as I told JPL earlier "thrashing" guitar.

"Is that Cain with C, or Kain with a K? Your life might depend on it."

Mysterious Entry?

"Mockingdale, did you waste your one chance at time travel to write this entry?" "Highly curious self who keeps asking stupid questions, NO! "

"I'm sorry. I don't why I got so angry. First because you are myself and I think I'm pretty cool. Second, there is a pretty good chance I would waste my trip back in history on something stupid; most likely buying like 50 Mucho Grande Burritos before they were discontinued. But I just rolled back the published date which uses a highly complex process to transport just my entry back in time."

Verdict? Nerdy, but Just.

So someone had the nerve to say FFIX was better than FFIV(2) . Really if I had a horde of murders at my disposal I would have released them upon this person, or better yet I would have like gotten Lance Hendrikson to kidnap them, drug them, and place them inescapable prison where they have to take part in my twisted survival game, or I would just make them watch Christopher Lambert's Fortress 2 ( I am aware that this is neither of the two movies I combined for option 2, yet it came to mind and it sucked so very bad.) All three options are equally horrific.

Anything Else?

KAIN!!!!!!!!!

Dojo Casino it's all in the mind.

Mockingdale, Mockingdale, Mockingdale. What did you hope to accomplish with your spurious list of DOOMLIFF's "favorite" movies? Perhaps you thought it would incite DOOMLIFF into a rage of epicly humorous proportions? It matters not, DOOMLIFF will take the high road, mentioning just this one fact; Mockingdale saw Armageddon in the theater five times. Five. Times. Armageddon five times. Let that sink in. In DOOMLIFF's country that would be considered a crime against humanity, DOOMLIFF cannot postulate how such an act is even possible, the number one theory is that Mockingdale is enraptured by Affleck and his mastery of the animal cracker, either that or he is gay for Billy Bob Thornton.

What did DOOMLIFF do last week? DOOMLIFF continues his assault upon mastery of penmanship. The L and C have joined the Q in falling prostrate befor the pen of DOOMLIFF. This week DOOMLIFF also tried the casaba melon, it is declared good, people rejoice. It has a taste like that of a slightly sweet cucumber, with out a strong melon taste, good for a light snack. Doomliffs Sim City DS metropolis continues to be a utopia, outshining all other cities.

What about DOOMLIFF's favorite movies? Do you dare question or rush DOOMLIFF? DO YOU? The favorite movies list will come later, when DOOMLIFF feels you are ready to behold it in its full glory and splendor.

Does JPL really watch Grey's Anatomy? If so, when did he grow a vagina? DOOMLIFF imagines JPL has a McDreamy poster cut out of Tiger Beat on his wall.

DOOMLIFF is done now, return next week for more enlightenment at the altar of DOOMLIFF.

"It's not the spiciness its the amount!!!"

Sir I Apologize?

I'm not going to pussy-foot around it, ever since what I will refer to as the "Wawa Sandwich Incident", I have thought of JPL as lesser man. According to him he rushed out to Wawa grab a quick sandwich before Grey's Anatomy came on, and when he got back home and started eating it he claims there was an inhuman amount of horseradish on his sub; as if the roast beef were actually the condiment. This made him scream out like woman and spoiled his viewing of the dramatic lives of the dysfunctional doctors he loves so much. HOW DARE THEY ruin the most magical hour of his week or maybe his inability to handle it like a man is what actually ruined it?

Well I no longer look down on JPL because this weekend I got BIOSHOCK for my newly acquired 360 ... which I got boned on ... [fast talking] no HMDI port you Circuit City bastards! [/fast talking]. HOLD UP, did I just use html tag emote? NOOoooooo. What ...you forgive me? Sweet.

Yes, yes, BIOSHOCK ... it scared me. I don't want to put it back in the machine. Its changed me; parts of me are never going to be "alright". Will I ever learn to love again? I think one reason I'm scared is because I suck at the game. Me running away from crap in the game, is about as affective as me running away from stuff in real life. Mockingdale run? PLEASE, I once promised to God I would never walk again, anything faster than that is definitely right out.

The other reason I'm scared is because the game is fucking scary. This game has a tremendous amount of just creepy voice acting: screams, whispers, moans, whimpers, cackling, the revurbed-tinny-static-ridden-hilter-esque-30's-radio-show voice of big brother, and let us not forget the creepiest voice of all, little girl.

Dude, why are all these games so dark, its like the darkest game since Castlevania: Circle of the Moon. Can like deranged, mutated, psychotic people not stand to be well lit? Maybe its the other way, you know? "Ohh man, this fluorescent bulb is getting dim and flickering, I best get home and get my pipe and ... my lust for killing ..."



Games?

Well, I got both the games I said was going to get; Blue Dragon and BIOSHOCK. I also happened to get Picross or as it should be called ... Pi-awesome ... but not Pi the number, but not Pee like the urine. Awesome-cross, yes it shall be called Awesome-cross. I think it might deserve an entry all its own because of its awesomeness ... not because I'm tired of writing.

Anything Else?

Definitely not.

ALL HAIL HYPNOTOAD